Sunday, July 02, 2006
Last night, i dreamt that i dealt a blow for you. It was a car accident. We were together, you were walking in front as usual, and the car just came at a terrible speed. you didnt notice it, because you stopped in the middle of the road to turn around and called me to hurry up. but i saw it. I didnt know what made me just rush out and pull you back, only to get hit. Drama, yes, but i suppose things like this do happen, at least in our case. It was a fantasy, because letting myself do something for you makes me happy. I've done so much for you in silence, but i dont want to let you know, because if you do, it'll be responsibily you feel towards me instead of love from within. You're happy now, i guess, that's why you dont need me. But it's alright, i helped you find your happiness. If i really wanted to be selfish, i'd just expose the both of you, so you two would know how you're being treated. But i chose to keep silent. I learnt that keeping silent is the best, because when you're silent, you tend to observe, and try to enjoy. Though i'm not exactly enjoying what you're going through, i'll try. Anything for you, girlfriend.
on msn last night, lays and i agreed that i hardly talk, and when i talk, i say something useful. isnt that better to just keep speaking and making no sense? the reason why i'm getting more silent is, im trying to accept what both of us are going through, and the fact that i can only watch over you from a distance. when i keep silent, i can process what i feel about you.
jas said that the 'you' in my blog entries is changing, changing into something ridiculous. i cant help it, you know. since ive chosen to love you in the beginning, there's no turning back. I said to her before, bring me back, jas. but now, im not even sure if i want to go back. life in the past wasnt so.. meaningful. I lived for myself, and the other you. But now, the new you has given me more hope and fantasies, stuff i've never gotten from someone like you.
GIRLFRIEND, you're the motivation.
It's a beautiful disguise.